Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Pizza on the Cob

Whew! It's been heavy around here. I think we need some levity, and I know just the place to find it: my kids.

Last night I made a strawberry and spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing. It was a pretty salad and I was rather proud of it. I called the family in for dinner.

Son (pointing to dressing, which is pink and still frothy from the blender): What is that?
Me: It's raspberry vinaigrette
Son: Ah. It looks like vomit.
-long pause-
That was the wrong response, wasn't it?

The look of total consternation on his face as he processed what he just said was priceless. He's 12 now, and so we've enjoyed about ten years of him intentionally and unintentionally saying hilarious things. Recently, I had just finished yelling at him about something, and he said to his sister, "Jeez, when Mom gets mad, she looks like a succubus." I'm not sure what word he was looking for, but probably it wasn't that one. His big sister, too, has provided us with much entertainment. There are many reasons to have kids, but the comic value, for me, has been one of the best. I try to write them down when I have paper handy.

Here's another one from last fall:

Me: You didn't put your scooter away in the right place. What should happen now?
Son: I should be punished?
Me: How?
Son: Not allowed to scooter?
Me: For how long?
Son (seeing how this was going): One minute?

Some more, from the early years:

Me: I think we need to take you to the doctor.
Daughter: My Daddy IS a doctor.
Me: Yes, but he's not the right kind of doctor. He doesn't know the right things to look for.
Daughter: Well, we'll just see about that!

Son: There's an itch on this CD.
Daughter (rolling eyes): I think you mean "scratch."

Me: Two wrongs don't make a right.
Son: And two rights don't make a left.

Son comes tromping downstairs and thrusts toward us a pair of pants on a hanger. He cannot open the jaws on the clip hanger. He says, "Can someone help me get the pants off this hooker?"

Son: How long ago did Charles Darwin live? Like a hundred years ago?
Me: More like two hundred.
Son: Jeez. No wonder he's dead.

Me: I'm surprised your little butt fits in that toy high chair. You need to be careful, that chair is for dolls, not for people.
Daughter: Well, my little butt does fit in there. You need to worry about mommy and let me worry about me.

Me (giving daughter a piece of pizza without cutting it up first): You're old enough to get a whole slice!
Daughter (trying to manage it): It's not very easy to eat pizza on the cob.

And some random quotes:

"I don't have a forehead. I have a three-head. Because I'm three. Someday, I'll have a forehead."

"When you drink, water moves down through your lungs into a pipe called the tuxedo."

"Skin keeps your bones from getting sunburned."

"Happiness is when you feel so excited you want to have a little tea-party in your body."

"Please comb my hair, it's undetangled."

Do you keep records of your funny kid quotes? I'd love to hear your favorites!


  1. Steph, this was super sweet -- and I can hear Son's raspy voice in all of those!

    I think the pink vomit was my fave 'cuz I can totally hear the 'Ah.'

    Perfect title, too. :)

    1. Thanks! He'll be so happy to hear his voice described as "raspy," as his friends have been teasing him about having a high-pitched voice. It sounds normal enough to me, but if you can believe, some of his friends' voices have already turned to man-voices. Eeek! There are even mustaches. Double-eek!

    2. Oh, gad. I don't know if I'd have the wherewithal to be the mother of a son. Hats off!!!

  2. These are ALL wonderful! Thanks for all the smiles.

    One of my favorites from when our kids were growing up: The kids and I had already finished with our meals at the local seafood restaurant, and were patiently waiting for my husband, who was still working on a big pile of snow crab legs, and obviously enjoying every bite. I commented, "Daddy's eating his crabs with panache." Our daughter, the youngest, asked what that meant, and one of her smart-ass brothers responded, "With turtle-like slowness."

    1. I love that one, Susan! Thanks for sharing. Smart-ass kids are the best. (Until that wit is turned upon the hapless parents who taught it, ha.)

  3. What a great collection of kid quotes! I can only add one my daughter stumped me with when she was little:"If I'm four years old, how old is that?" It's 25 years later and I still haven't come up with a reply.

    1. How funny! Was "four years old is four years old" too tautological? :)

  4. :-) I have to say that the raspberry vinaigrette dressing looks dreamy.

    1. Well, it had been quite dreamy till he said that. I had some difficulty putting that out of my mind afterwards because, in truth, it DID look like vomit. Next time maybe I'll add red food coloring to pink it up. (The photo is a stock photo; I did not think to take a photo of the actual dressing.)

      Thanks for stopping by, Laoch!

  5. The dressing looks good enough to go on a cake as lava.
    Your kids are funny though.

    1. Lava ... hmmm. I think I'm glad that is not a photo of the actual dressing I made. :D

  6. I remember hearing all of these before, but that doesn't stop the tears of laughter from running down my face.


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